@Squirreljustice

I’m wearing a burqa, fencing mask, & a welding helmet while reading a book on cannibalism & an old lady on the bus still wants to chat.

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@ClichedOut

[watching video of an amazing feat]

Age 20: i could do that

Age 30: he’s amazing

Age 40: doesn’t that guy work

@buttsword

my favorite tweets are ones that don’t end the way you expecto patronum.

@Storminika

You ever see your kid looking so dirty at school and don’t wanna pick him up? I just drove pass mine now like, ‘Hell no, that is not my kid’

@capnwatsisname

Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?

Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer

@SaraThomas84

If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now

@LoveNLunchmeat

Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.

@jakob_huber

Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.