I’m wearing a burqa, fencing mask, & a welding helmet while reading a book on cannibalism & an old lady on the bus still wants to chat.

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[watching video of an amazing feat]

Age 20: i could do that

Age 30: he’s amazing

Age 40: doesn’t that guy work


my favorite tweets are ones that don’t end the way you expecto patronum.


You ever see your kid looking so dirty at school and don’t wanna pick him up? I just drove pass mine now like, ‘Hell no, that is not my kid’


Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?

Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer


If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now


Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.


Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.