I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
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I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*