I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
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Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
worst…sale…ever
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”