@sharpular

I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.

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@SoulYodeler

HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE

@shadygrenade

License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*

@yonewt

This is your yearly reminder to not put bananas in fruit salads

@RobElliottComic

Say “Literally” and “Legit” a few more times in that sentence so I know it’s literally legit

@crunchenhanced

I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.

@o__0Dev

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

@rocknthepurple

I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.

@Kyle_Lippert

EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy