I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
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getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
early stone age tool
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.