@FeralCrone

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

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@JohnLyonTweets

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.

@skwunt

Told my British pal I wanted him to take me to pound town.

Well, we are at the dollar store if anyone needs anything.

@Jake_Vig

Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.

@Dani_Feld

All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.

I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.

@HollyHeals

Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.

@abraveturtle

serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

@QuiteQuietOne

The embarrassment when you wake up to find your panties hanging from a chandelier and think, how did I end up in a place with a chandelier?

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.

@Sickayduh

My dog ate a bunch of Scrabble tiles and now I gotta follow him around the yard because it’s his turn

@Marlebean

Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn