I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

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Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.


Told my British pal I wanted him to take me to pound town.

Well, we are at the dollar store if anyone needs anything.


Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.


All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.

I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.


Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.


serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?


The embarrassment when you wake up to find your panties hanging from a chandelier and think, how did I end up in a place with a chandelier?


This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.


My dog ate a bunch of Scrabble tiles and now I gotta follow him around the yard because it’s his turn


Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn