I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
You Might Also Like
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
I created you as mosquito food.
Generation gap…
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Breaking news:
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.