I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
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him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
what kind of cook setting is this??
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism