girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
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Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.