I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.
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Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.