Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That stuff’s 4 serial killers.
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Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Motion to rename biological clock “restless egg syndrome.”
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Science is to Scientology as meth is to Methodist.