I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That stuff’s 4 serial killers.

You Might Also Like


(Trump rally)

Trump: I’ll take questions now.

Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?

Trump: More water.

Crowd: *cheers wildly*


Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006


I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards


Motion to rename biological clock “restless egg syndrome.”


Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”

Me:”You mean ASAP?”

Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”


them: how are you

you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal


McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold


Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh





Me: yep