I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
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WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?