@dshack8

I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That stuff’s 4 serial killers.

You Might Also Like

@Tacet_no_more

I wonder if anyone being chased by a bear has ever tried just turning around and saying in a really stern voice “NO…Bad Bear”?

@MamaFizzles

The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.

@BarryVonAwesome

Do you know who REALLY gets irony?

Skydiving schools.

Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!

*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*

@Contwixt

It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.

Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.

@blade_funner

(me as a paramedic)

*rubbing two cymbals together*

Clear!

*slams cymbals together*

WAKE UP!

@Abusitron

Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*

@sixfootcandy

Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.

@G00K0

My quarantine routine:

7 AM: (wake me up)

8 AM: wake me up inside

9 AM: (I can’t wake up)

3 PM: wake me up inside

4 PM: (SAAAAVE ME)

5 PM: CALL MY NAME AND SAAAAVE ME FROM THE DARK

6 PM: Pesto pasta, again

@TheWoodenslurpy

BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.