@dshack8

I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That stuff’s 4 serial killers.

You Might Also Like

@UncleDuke1969

(Trump rally)

Trump: I’ll take questions now.

Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?

Trump: More water.

Crowd: *cheers wildly*

@Kyle1092

Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006

@zachreinert03

I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards

@KenJennings

Motion to rename biological clock “restless egg syndrome.”

@1_swarthy_dude

Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”

Me:”You mean ASAP?”

Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”

@retsoor

them: how are you

you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal

@UnethicalGnius

McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold

@Rollmaninoz

Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh

Me:…

Cashier:…

Me:…

Cashier:…

Me: yep