“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
You Might Also Like
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.