I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
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I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Noted.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.