I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
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Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
#Caturday
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.