@Anita_nap

I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.

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@Wylie_Riley

Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.

@iinkedZombie

I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.

@CAshmanActor

Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*

@DaddyJew

[lunch break]

Gf: I have 30min

Me: you thinking what im thinking?

Gf: oh yea *starts undressing

Me: *googles closest laser tag location

@matt___nelson

CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA

@Brittany_broski

this Uber is whipping me around doin 70 in a 40 and he’s still getting 5 stars because he hasn’t said a damn word to me . He knows

@pro_worrier_

You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.

@AbbyHasIssues

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.