I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
You Might Also Like
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding