I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
You Might Also Like
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
They got Raph!
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.