@est1975blog

I’m “whenever my mother calls, I think it’s because someone’s dead” years old.

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@3_livi

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

@amydillon

“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”

-my son, blaming the victims

@StarWarsProblms

Kylo Ren: I am your father.

Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.

Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

@LindaInDisguise

Google search history:

-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe

@Sal0630

A graham cracker is just a white dude selling coke in the ghetto.

@Divergentmama

[At the magic store]

Me: I need to return this – you told me it would ward off evil spirits in my home and it didn’t work.

Employee: oh my goodness, are you ok?

Me: I guess, but I cast the spell and then the kids just walked in from school like normal.

@Xalqee

When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?

@slimmy_shady

Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree

@KentWGraham

Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.