Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
I’m “whenever my mother calls, I think it’s because someone’s dead” years old.
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I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
If you don’t get sarcasm, follow these simple steps that will definitely help you understand it easily: Die.
Girls are like tornadoes because in pictures it’s like wow those look cool but in person it’s all omg what do I do
She brings out the best in me and there’s just no way I’m putting up with that
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet