@est1975blog

I’m “whenever my mother calls, I think it’s because someone’s dead” years old.

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@withanewname

Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast

@TheBoydP

I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.

@KKAlThani

If you don’t get sarcasm, follow these simple steps that will definitely help you understand it easily: Die.

@TitaniumToplass

Girls are like tornadoes because in pictures it’s like wow those look cool but in person it’s all omg what do I do

@tsm560

She brings out the best in me and there’s just no way I’m putting up with that

@Travon

The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.

@Lisabug74

I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.

@RodLacroix

Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL

Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.

Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW

@dumbbeezie

I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet