I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
I’m “whenever my mother calls, I think it’s because someone’s dead” years old.
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“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
A graham cracker is just a white dude selling coke in the ghetto.
[At the magic store]
Me: I need to return this – you told me it would ward off evil spirits in my home and it didn’t work.
Employee: oh my goodness, are you ok?
Me: I guess, but I cast the spell and then the kids just walked in from school like normal.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.