I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
You Might Also Like
*pronounces woah like Noah*
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
October already? What’s next? November????
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering