lol my boss just called me into his office and told me I’ve been spending too much time on twitter. Hold on he’s saying something else now
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
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Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”
[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Probably the rudest thing you can do to a stingray is catch it with a fishing pole and then fly it like a kite.