I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
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My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
I was up all night reading about insomnia
knights of the ikea table
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*