I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
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Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.