I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
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Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”