I keep my car insurance deductible high just to help me fight the urge from side swiping people that don’t use a blinker.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
You Might Also Like
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.
*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
I only speak Spanish when bill collectors call
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured