@VodkaShorebird

I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!

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@thatUPSdude

I keep my car insurance deductible high just to help me fight the urge from side swiping people that don’t use a blinker.

@JohnLyonTweets

*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*

*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*

@sfreeze6

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.

@JediGigi

Dating Profile

Sex: Probably

Favorite Food: Yes

Favorite Movie: Star Wars

Favorite Book: LOLZ

@WornOutMommy

God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.

@dave_cactus

ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?

@NigelGrinstead

ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.

*cut to confessional camera*

ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.

@RandomRamblr

Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.

@chrissyteigen

if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured