I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
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[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White