I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
You Might Also Like
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.