@JessObsess

I’m working from home. But as a bartender.

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@Playing_Dad

Daughter: Daddy, why do you have to go to work everyday?
Me: Do you like clothes?
Daughter: Not really
Me: Shut up

@FatherWithTwins

Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave

9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?

@LinajkReturns

If he buys your drink, but you’re really not interested?

Smile at him, thank him and then stick the olive up your nose.

@TheToddWilliams

[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!

@TheHyyyype

me: what aisle are your dinner cereals in?

supermarket clerk: please leave

@ObscureGent

[First day as a henchman in a video game]

Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?

@muffkin7

Grandad: ‘I’ve just bought a new, state-of-the-art hearing aid.’

Me: ‘Great. What type is it?’

Grandad: ‘Half past three.’

@pleatedjeans

Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP

@Moochava

Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.

@Peauxtassium

It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.