I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
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At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
They got a point!
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.