Daughter: Daddy, why do you have to go to work everyday?
Me: Do you like clothes?
Daughter: Not really
Me: Shut up
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
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Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave
9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
If he buys your drink, but you’re really not interested?
Smile at him, thank him and then stick the olive up your nose.
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
me: what aisle are your dinner cereals in?
supermarket clerk: please leave
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Grandad: ‘I’ve just bought a new, state-of-the-art hearing aid.’
Me: ‘Great. What type is it?’
Grandad: ‘Half past three.’
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.