I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
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This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
im all 3
Ugh but profoundly
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?