@TravLeBlanc

I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.

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@Reverend_Scott

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

From mommies.

“How do they get inside?”

CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT

@jellybnbonanza

I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.

@jackiembouvier

I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.

@AbbyHasIssues

I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.

@Fab_Mommy_

Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.

4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?

My wife: He cried the most.