I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
You Might Also Like
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
What?
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses