I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
You Might Also Like
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
They grow up so quick
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.