I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.

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*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*

Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.


Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.


The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.


Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.


6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?