My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
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Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
School be like
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.