I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
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Not muting your mic is the new reply all
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
excuse me
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭