I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
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them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.