I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
You Might Also Like
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.