I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
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My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.