I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
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Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
my first day as a raccoon
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple