I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
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“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.