im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Seek kebab; not attention
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.