Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
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Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones