“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
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I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.