Think you had a bad childhood?
Wait until you see what adulthood has to offer.
– I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.
– And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.
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Dear women married to homophobic racist adult males:
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher.
So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking.
And that’s how the fight started.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.