ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
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‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
my teeth: flossed
my pasta: sauced
my salad: tossed
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Every chick magazine ever:
You’re beautiful and are perfect just the way you are!
How to loose ten pounds in ten days you fat, ugly cow.
I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels…boy was I wrong
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
People who put “Retired” on their Linked In acct: I’m not certain you’ve grasped the site.