imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
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I did not eat the cake…
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me