@elle91

Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.

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@truegritrumble

FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?

ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.

@TheOnion

Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened

@peeznuts

*standing behind home plate*
-Beware of my dog-like reflexes.

-Shouldn’t it be cat-like reflexes?
*catches baseball with my face*

@hollywoodsigh

I’m at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to shit faster because it’s cold.

@DadZZZasleep

5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question

@DrCephalopod

Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?

@Brianhopecomedy

5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”

“It’s a moving truck.”

“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”

Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?

@JimmerThatisAll

“I’ve said too much already.“

“All you did was blink.”

“Yeah, but twice.”

@tastefactory

Hey water enhancer company, you could have made your pineapple flavor literally any other color.

@litfirebird

A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her