Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.

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FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?

ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.


Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened


*standing behind home plate*
-Beware of my dog-like reflexes.

-Shouldn’t it be cat-like reflexes?
*catches baseball with my face*


I’m at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to shit faster because it’s cold.


5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question


Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?


5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”

“It’s a moving truck.”


Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?


“I’ve said too much already.“

“All you did was blink.”

“Yeah, but twice.”


Hey water enhancer company, you could have made your pineapple flavor literally any other color.


A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her