@EliTerry

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

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@Knob_ish

Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!

@softboyuk

Teaching six year olds via zoom is so funny. I’ll spend 15 minutes explaining a literacy task and when I ask if they have any questions they’ll be like “do you have a cat?”

@compIexed

me being petty:

*gets late 3 hour late reply*
*waits for 50 seconds to reply back*

@echoesofpoetry

My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.

@daddysdigest

I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.

@juliussharpe

Cologne – because people shouldn’t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.

@maxlavergne

100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree

@Darlainky

Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.

@robdelaney

I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.

@djdarrellripley

Cop: Could I have your name?

Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.

*Send Bail Money*