Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
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me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
so weird how every mom was born today
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel