Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

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[police station]

I’d like to fill out a police report.

*describes myself to the sketch artist*


trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff


Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself

*don’t panic and say something stupid*
*don’t panic and say something stupid*
*don’t panic and say something stupid*
*don’t panic and say something stupid*

Me: Do you think my blood tastes different than yours


[blind date]

Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.

Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.

Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!

Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?


How to scare burglars off….

First put pictures on the wall of you with a tiger.
Second put a cat litter box in your hall and shit in it.


My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…


I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”


WORM 911: what’s ur emergency


WORM 911: u need medical help?

FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.


*watching a scary movie*

7 y/o daughter: They’re just people in masks, right Dad?

*blankets pulled over my head* “Sure, if you say so”