The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
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I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
grotesque if literal: baby food
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.