@pyaaristochill

imagine a crime show where an auntie accidentally solves crimes because she is so nosy

You Might Also Like

@TheDairylandDon

I don’t believe in Bigfoot; because he never believed in me. I’d scan the crowd at my ballet recitals, and always see that one empty seat.

@pinupteacher

I’m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I’ll never ever use one again. I’m so excited about it. Yes.

@KingRainhead

boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!

@DecantAndPour

I always keep an empty milk bottle in the fridge just in case anyone wants a black coffee.

@jonnysun

phd thesis: the amoumt of property damage depicted in a action movie is directley proportional to its budget

@iGreenMonk

It’s all about perspective.

The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.

@SwanieChicken

Started as a twitter crush, moved on to twitter boyfriend, now he’s my twitter husband.
Honeymooning on Google+ so we can be alone.

@JamesonN7

If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.

@Tmoney68

My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.