friends who just got married:
We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Imagine a drunk porcupine trying to sneak into bed without waking his porcupine wife but his porcupine wife put balloons everywhere.
You Might Also Like
HER: So, are you religious?
FRANKENSTEIN: I’m part Catholic
HER: Oh…your mother or your father?
FRANKENSTEIN: My foot
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Henry constantly confuses sleeping people with dead people. Henry is also a necrophiliac so things get awkward for Henry quick
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween