@TySmithdrums

Imagine a drunk porcupine trying to sneak into bed without waking his porcupine wife but his porcupine wife put balloons everywhere.

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@iamspacegirl

friends who just got married:
We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.

me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?

@TheToddWilliams

[date]

HER: So, are you religious?

FRANKENSTEIN: I’m part Catholic

HER: Oh…your mother or your father?

FRANKENSTEIN: My foot

@ddsmidt

I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.

@utofellatio

Henry constantly confuses sleeping people with dead people. Henry is also a necrophiliac so things get awkward for Henry quick

@ceejoyner

No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.

@Just_Lee_

When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood.

@jakewhitacre

AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.

THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.

@TheCatWhisprer

I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.

@Staggfilms

Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?

@treydayway

I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween