According to this tray of lasagne, I’m a family of 4.
Imagine a drunk porcupine trying to sneak into bed without waking his porcupine wife but his porcupine wife put balloons everywhere.
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Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Toilet paper folded into a triangle in a hotel does nothing for me except remind me that someone touched the tp I need to use.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her
wife: [murdering intensifies]
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.