Imagine a drunk porcupine trying to sneak into bed without waking his porcupine wife but his porcupine wife put balloons everywhere.

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Toilet paper folded into a triangle in a hotel does nothing for me except remind me that someone touched the tp I need to use.


I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.


HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please



God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!

Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?

G: *throws a rock*

A: Sick shot!

G: Next time, apes


me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her

wife: [murdering intensifies]


If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.