Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
You Might Also Like
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.