imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
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If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
My favorite female superhero
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
OKAY DAD
repaired
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light