@egg_dog

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

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@juskewitch

A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.

@decentbirthday

*dancing with the stars*

*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*

me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!

*star wars*

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: Do the dishes

Me: Can’t. Holding the baby

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Can’t. Baby

Wife: Change the baby

Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.

@fro_vo

How to Be a Librarian:

1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH

@RickAaron

“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit

@DadandBuried

*putting kid to bed*

Me: Goodnight, buddy, I love you.
Sleep tight.

7yo: Dad, you have to make sugar cookies to bring to class tomorrow. Goodnight!

@RandiLawson

Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones

@WilliamAder

It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”

@Tmoney68

[Army Shooting Range]

Officer: Are you locked & loaded?

Soldiers: YES SIR!

Officer: You may fire at will!

Soldier Named Will: WTF?