imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
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In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Straight people are cancelled
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual