A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
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*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
How to Be a Librarian:
2. but iSHHHHH
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
*putting kid to bed*
Me: Goodnight, buddy, I love you.
7yo: Dad, you have to make sugar cookies to bring to class tomorrow. Goodnight!
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?