imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you

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Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.

Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.


I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”


My husband asked what Vine was while reading a BOOK. Hahaha 1910 called, it wants its intellect strengthening form of entertainment back!


I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.


therapist: what’s your biggest fear

me: ghost chameleons bc they have

therapist: [gasps] double invisibility


Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.

Send wine and bail money.


A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.


Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice


Eight glasses of water a day? Nope. I do a minimum of sixteen. Keeps you looking young. Take me for example. I was born in 1926.