@OctopusCaveman

Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are

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@Carter_TCB

Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.

@illTortuga

All I want to know is why Antonio Banderas’ hair has been wet for 20 years.

@sannewman

Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.

@heapsOhate

Him: Could you be any more annoying?

Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.

@PLATINUM2000

My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.

@yenniwhite

My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.

@bingowings14

‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’

– Our sodding cat

@AdamantxYves

– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.

Me: Do they hurt your feet?

5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.