Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
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I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online