Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
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At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.