Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
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Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Tough love is true love
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Erm I’m gonna say no
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.