Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
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found this cool rock hiking today
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.