imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
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Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor