imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
You Might Also Like
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?