Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
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Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Legend 🤣🤣
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”