“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
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Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.